30 Days

It's been 30 days since I last saw Ms. Sizzle.

In that time, she has become an auntie(!), fixed up her new apartment, gone on multiple job interviews and made new friends in a new city. While I am happy for her success and happiness in her new surroundings, I miss her very much.

I have pretty much been depressed since she has moved. I wish I could say that it has been getting easier being apart, but I cannot. In fact, it gets more and more difficult by the day. And because I refuse to talk to anyone about how I am feeling, I decided to take the chickenshit way out and blog about it.

For those of you holding out for Sizz and me, I have to tell you: It's not gonna happen. I am not the one for her. She has told me so on more than one occassion. Sorry to disappoint everyone, but it is what it is. People feel what they feel or they don't.

She will be dating other men in Seattle and according to her, I should "hook up with a hot girl" myself. At present, I am in no state to do much of anything, much less "hook up with a hot girl" (which, if I am lucky, only happens every 2-3 years or so).

This doesn't mean that she doesn't love me - that she doesn't care - because she, in fact, does. It doesn't mean that I don't love her because, in fact, I do. It just means that in the big picture of wedded bliss, picket fences and 2.5 children - she and I aren't in the same photo. I suspect she has known that for awhile but I am just now coming to terms with it.

So for those of you wondering why I haven't up and left for Seattle? There's your reason.

And for you others who may have been wondering what's up with me lately? Now you know.

Nothing about this has been easy. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going.

I am sad, upset, jealous, confused and directionless.

I hate feeling this way.

Quite frankly, it sucks.